Nightmare Lust
by kali yugah
Summary: Who am I. I am the Exile, the Betrayer, Hero, Saviour. I am all and yet I am nothing. Follow me through my trial and see me become my worst nightmare.


The rain whistled and crashed against the passenger ship; a ship of solitude, safety … peace. Home has changed in the five years of absence. No longer was it breathing innocence, love and calmness; war has ravaged worlds, even the ones untouched. Courasont's now greyed life once used to be a planet of pinks and life full greens. Clouds darkened as the docking bay door groaned open as if it's dying for an oiling.

I cautiously stepped out afraid of forgotten memories bubbling to the surface. The rain, long has it been with me on the jungle planet Duxn, slid down my weary, stony face. I was no longer a young, naïve girl without a taint, but now I truly felt that the whole galaxy was on my shoulders. My hood obscured my face from the prying eyes, fiery red hair that once bounced as if it has its own life now hung limply, plastered to my drenched face.

Suddenly old emotions danced across my mind as a bond faintly started to whisper. Walking in the ancient doors the giggling of a past life taunted me. Love was my first emotion; pictures of him played in my memories. Approaching the hall of judgement the happy whispering of memories was sharply ripped back into the deepest trenches of my conscience. The doors hissed open willingly, wanting me to feel the wrath of my once masters. They were all there … Master Atris the scholar, Master Vash the calm, Master Vrook the rash one, Master Zez-Kye-Ell the wisest of the five and Master Kavar my love.

I first met him when I was fifteen, unlike many girls me and Revan didn't fall for him because of his looks. Onderonian men were famed for their sandy blond hair and baby blue eyes that you could drown in one glance. He told us that while he was our Master he wanted us to call him Kavar instead of Master and in turn he would call us by our names. Elaria Thano (which is pronounced Tano) is my name. He was adamant in calling me Ela, Thanie or Elari for some strange reason. Revan heckled me by claiming that Kavar had a very soft spot for me. Looking back on the many padawans that gazed at me I thought that maybe she was right but it was against the code so I brushed any emotion that came with the sound of Kavar's voice away.

Kavar was a brilliant teacher as he always made the lesson fun and entertained us with stories of his padawan days. My personal favourite was when he played a prank on Master Vrook by putting pink hair dye in his shampoo. Months had passed and one day he told us that he was to go on a mission with his best pupil. Many had expected him to take Revan or Malak because they were the best fighters in the whole class but to my surprise and to the surprise of all the others he had chosen me, but he explained that this was a mission of peace and he needed a person that could defuse a situation without fighting.

A peace treaty was being negotiated between the Chiss and the Bonthan race after twenty years of war. But it wasn't exactly a peaceful union as the King of the Chiss had ordered for the Bonthan King to surrender to the Chiss. Needless to say we had to fight to end to threat to the Bonthan King, I was lucky to only sustain a scar from when I blocked the bullet that was meant to end Master Kavar's life. After seeing me willing to give my life to protect him he saw me in a different light; he always requested for me to join him on missions and the harmless banter that we'd share develop into something bigger.

"Ela I was wondering if you would walk with me for a moment?" I was used to him asking me to join him on his daily walks so I wasn't surprised when he asked me this day, but if only I knew then what would happen then maybe I wouldn't be on edge for the next few months.

"Sure thing Kavar." I replied in my usual upbeat tone. As we approached the gardens he picked a Nabooan honey suckle and delicately placed it in my hair. I blushed a bit as he'd never done anything like this before.

"Careful Kavar you wouldn't want to find me brutally dismembered by your fan club in my sleep now would you?" I asked lining my tone with laughter. Kavar chuckled at the thought of his annoying fan club murdering Elaria.

"No, now where would the fun be in that if you were murdered Ela?" His normal eyes that held laughter grew grave and serious. Taking his hand I asked him.

"Kavar tell me what's wrong?" I could have sworn that he looked hesitant about telling me what was wrong. Fearing that he was going to tell me that he couldn't take on the next mission I quickly tried to tell him.

"Kavar I don't care if you can't take me on mmph." He shut me when he crashed his lips on to me. Butterflies erupted from places that never existed in my stomach. Doubt entered my mind but a stronger feeling soon squashed that very doubt, overcame and conquered my very being. Euphoria. Slowly he deepened the kiss making me feel light headed. I didn't want to stop but the lack of air forced us apart.

He brushed the fringe out of my face and lovingly murmured.

"Beautiful." The euphoria became addictive; grabbing him by the tunic around his neck I kissed him once more. This one was different, the first kiss was soft and tender compared to the second. He answered back with the hunger of a starved lion. Our bodies meshed together perfectly as he pulled me closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, never wanting to let go.

As the glowing ruby sun crawled down its rays seemed to focus on the pair of lovers. It was forbidden but they didn't care, all that mattered was that they were together. If only peace could last forever.

War drums hammered across the universe as another planet fell to the wrath of the Mandalorian's. A brutal race that sought to test their strength in was, incapable of mercy or stopping.

Tears leaked down from my crystal jade eyes as I felt another race of life extinguished. I could hear their screams of terror every night, they were suffering. I could feel it in every shot … every slash and every stroke of the whip. Revan had approached me earlier and asked if I would join her in the aid of the Republic against the tyranny of the Mandalorians. My bags were nearly packed as I felt another wave of pain invaded my personal peace. The door to my apartment whooshed open as Kavar jogged in demanding for answers.

"The council told me of your decision Ela. Please don't throw away all we have for war," He sighed as I continued to pack, not even acknowledging his existence. "Why are you doing this Ela? Why?" I scoffed. Insufferable man, he knows why.

"Because ... because I cannot wait any longer. The pain, death, and the cries of innocent children as molten wreckage rains down on the planet I can't ignore it," I pinched the bridge of my nose to prevent me from bursting out of control. "I've meditated with you, waited for the council's decision but I can't wait any longer."

"But you know what the council will do if you survive from this war. I can't risk you getting exiled from the order." He replied as he held on to me praying for the strength to never let me go. Shakily I whispered as tears flowed out of my eyes. I felt the love pour out of Kavar.

"I know, but no matter what, I love so much that it hurts being without you." Kavar sighed in defeat knowing that he could not change my mind.

"Ok, I cannot stop you Ela but I'll promise you this; I will stand by you in your trial. I love Elaria, may the force and my love be with you."

Years had passed when he made his promise and now one familiar face will help me face them. I calmly walked into the hall of judgment; 10 eyes watched my every step, an awkward silence filled the room. Vrook was the first to speak.

"So you have returned, we were wondering when you were going to show up." Atris piped in icily.

"Is Revan your master now? Or have you come to realise your foolish mistake!" I internally winced but did not give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

"No, Revan is not my master, I've come at my own free will and will accept any punishment your are to grant me." Surprise flashed across all faces; Kavar looked hurt as he saw me willingly give in, it took all of his will power to prevent himself from grabbing Elaria and flying off to the nearest remote planet. Vash calmly announced my judgement with a voice leaving no room for arguments.

"You are exiled, a Jedi no more. There is only one thing left Exile ... your lightsaber you must surrender it to us."

I ignited my saber casting everyone in the room with a violet hue. The one thing that has symbolized my promise to protect is now a forbidden wish, my life danced across my mind; Vash's words played over and over again melding with my memories. Tears lined my eyes I took a glance at my old masters; Atris her icy face held the smallest of smirks glad to be rid of me; Zez-Kye-Ell he held a look of sorrow and sadness; Vrook calm and blank as possible; Vash she looked on in weariness afraid to see me reaction and Kavar he looked heartbroken tears leaked down his aged face. An ear splitting scream tore through the halls as I stabbed the obelisk and flowed out of the room.

Thoughts screamed in my head like banshees. Why didn't he say anything? Did he forget me? As I rounded the corner to head back to my ship a beg stopped me in my tracks.

"Ela ... Ela ... ELA STOP!!" Quickly with the aid of the force he caught up to me and grabbed my arm. That had done it! I spun round as my hand flew for his face. The slap had sounded throughout the whole corridor; I couldn't contain my rage anymore.

"Why didn't you speak for me in my DEFENCE!? YOU swore all those years ago that you would stand by me and what did you do? NOTHING!! Do you even love me anymore?" He flinched at my acid tone. The tears I held back dribbled down my face unrelentlessly. Not even waiting for an answer I stormed back to the ship seeking its safety. Although it was faint I could still hear it plain as day.

"Yes I do love you."

Sitting down in my abandoned seat voices started to whisper clashing against each over for dominance in my mind. Dark and Light battled and parried deflecting each other's blows.

"Kiiiillll hiiiiimm! Heeee betraaayed youuu." Hissed out the ever strengthing darkness clouding my senses. My jade eyes flowed to a tawny sulphur yellow, my once bright skin ashen to a sick and weary grey. Fiery red hair brightened to glowing red then darkened to resemble blood; the bloods I lusted to spill. Inside I was screaming but it didn't matter anymore, I am dead of emotion and happiness.

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion I gain strength. Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The force shall free me." Words I prayed to never say poured from my lips. Slowly ever so slowly I became my worst nightmare.


End file.
